Exploring Resentment Rumination: The Thief of Personal Growth and Shared Joy

Welcome to the Vet Staff Podcast, the place where veterinary professionals can join me, julie South, in discovering how we can all get our heads screwed on straight, get excited about going to work on Monday mornings and lead more fulfilling lives at home and at work. Welcome to Episode 146. Today we start the first in a multi-part series on what I consider to be one of the foundational building blocks to personal and professional fulfilment. We're going to look at how to let go of stuff, stuff that gets in the way of us getting stuff done in our lives. What we're talking about today impacts every single aspect of our life, of your life, of my life professional and personal relationships, the relationships that you sorry, singular the relationship you have with yourself, and even how successful you are. However you measure that word success. A reality check, though. Although I'm going to share the key with you on how you can unlock lasting contentment and success. It's not a one-time set it and forget it solution Rather unfortunately it's Obama but it's a perpetual practice. It's one of those things that we have to keep doing, a key we must consistently keep turning throughout our lives to keep the doors to fulfilment, joy and success wide open. I wish I could make it a set and forget. I wish I could make you a promise that that's all you had to do, once and done. Unfortunately I can't. I'm sorry, but first, before we get into all of that, let's have a quick word from this show's partner, and then we'll get right into the nitty gritty. The Vet Staff podcast is proudly powered by vetclinicjobscom, the new and innovative global job board reimagining veterinary recruitment, connecting veterinary professionals with clinics that shine online. Vetclinicjobscom is your go-to resource for finding the perfect career opportunities and helping vet clinics power up their employer branding game. Visit vetclinicjobscom today to find vet clinics that shine online, so veterinary professionals can find them, vetclinicjobscom. When things start to fall apart in our lives, they usually start in one of two places, which then ultimately ends up in one place the relationships we have with other people and the relationship that we have with ourselves. When the relationships we have with other people are under stress are falling apart or totally disintegrating, that starts to have a profound effect on the words that go on inside the privacy of our own heads and, if left unchecked, start to affect our health our mental and our physical health. Usually, we beat up on ourselves big time. I know it's easy and trite for me to say, not to speak to yourself the way that you might do for me, not to speak to myself the way that I sometimes do, but we still do it, unfortunately. We still do it, don't we? We are our own harshest and most critical judges. We expect things of ourselves that others don't, because we've set our personal bar too high, but that high bar doesn't always serve us the way that we want it to. What we're going to look at today, as I said earlier, is one of the foundational building blocks in living more fulfilling lives, and it starts with drumroll here. Forgiveness Now, before you do a big eye roll on me, please just hear me out. Maybe you're thinking you don't have anyone to forgive, perhaps because your life is Instagram perfect, or maybe because they, in quotes, they someone you believe has wronged you doesn't deserve to be forgiven. But I'll bet my absolute last dollar that, if either of those two scenarios are true, there will be lots of negative, critical and judgmental chitter-chatter going on in your head that's taking up a lot of space and that's robbing you of joy. The amount of space that that chitter-chatter is taking up is the exact same amount of space you're robbing yourself and those whom you love of the best of you. Therefore, life, according to Julie, the first person we need to forgive the most on our journey of life is ourselves, regardless of where you sit spiritually. I'd like to share part of a beautiful Catholic prayer with you, because it embodies what I'm talking about here perfectly, this part of what's known as the confetti, or prayer seeking forgiveness and striving for reconciliation. It starts off with I confess. And then, partway through, it says in my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done and in what I have failed to do. And that's what we do. We all beat ourselves up with our thoughts, the words we use to ourselves for things that we've done and things that we haven't done. So let's start exploring forgiveness and kicking off with the fundamental question Firstly, what is forgiveness? At its core, forgiveness is a transformative process, and it is transformational. It's a transformative process that involves letting go of resentment, finding understanding and then ultimately seeking peace, finding a space of peace. It's a choice we make, a conscious decision to get out from under the weight that we carry around of past hurts. If you're currently carrying around resentment, you'll know what I'm talking about, or if you've had it in your life before and you've let it go, and you know what it feels like when you let it go. As well as it being a huge weight, it's corrosive. It eats into almost every single fibre of your being and negatively impacts and affects all your relationships in some form or another. If you carry around enough resentment for long enough, then cynicism starts to set in, and that's probably harder to undo than simply letting go of resentment. And I know that letting go of resentment is simple, but it's not easy. Maybe you know a cynic. Sometimes they refer to themselves as realists. Anyway, forgiveness From a psychological perspective, forgiveness is actually quite fascinating. Through the decades, research have proposed different theories, with each one shedding light on different aspects of what's really a complex phenomenon. One such theory is the decision-based model, which suggests that forgiveness is a deliberate choice that we make to let go of negative emotions, and the other one is the opposite of that. I think it's the opposite of that emotion-focused models, which emphasises empathy and emotional processing as key components of the forgiveness model. In the emotion-focused model, each of these psychological theories has its own distinct perspective on how forgiveness operates and how individuals navigate their way through the process. The decision-based model of forgiveness was proposed by US psychologist Everett Worthington. There are plenty of his videos from presentations, lectures and interviews that he's done on YouTube if you want to check him out. So that's Everett Worthington. The decision-based model puts emphasis on the role of conscious decision-making in the forgiveness process. It's rooted in both psychological and philosophical ideas. It's often associated with forgiveness interventions that are used in therapy. In this model, forgiveness is seen as a deliberate choice, a conscious choice, or the decision made by the person who's been wronged. So that's you, because we can only control ourselves, right. It involves a cognitive evaluation of the situation, where you weigh up the costs and the benefits of holding onto the resentment that you've got versus letting go and forgiving. Therefore, the decision to forgive is often influenced by things such as the severity of the offence, the relationship between the parties and personal values. It's a four-step process. You make the conscious decision to forgive your offender because you recognize that holding onto your anger and resentment is likely to be detrimental to your well-being. From that, you then have a change in perspective. This takes effort on your part. You may need to do some cognitive restructuring or reframing of the wrong or the offence in a way that reduces its emotional impact on you and you then reach a level of understanding. Next comes empathy and compassion. This is where you aim to walk a few moons in their moccasins I've said this a few times so that walking a few moons in someone's moccasins so that you have empathy and understanding about their motivations. This could also mean adopting Stephen Covey's fifth habit of successful people First seek to understand, then to be understood and finally you let it go. You have to intentionally let go of all the negative emotions and the resentments so that you can be free and move on emotionally free and psychologically free and move on. So that's the decision-based, the conscious decision-based. Now let's look at the emotion-focused model of forgiveness. This is based on the work of psychologist Robert Enright and it involves placing strong emphasis on the emotional process and the experience of forgiveness. It acknowledges the role that empathy, compassion and emotional transformation have a part of the forgiveness journey and the emotion-focused model. Forgiveness is viewed as an emotional process that involves the transformation of negative emotions into positive ones. The focus is on cultivating empathy, understanding and compassion, which in turn, can lead to a change in emotional responses from you towards the other person, towards the offender. Again, this is another four-step process. So first you acknowledge the emotions. You need acknowledgement, this acknowledgement and validation that you're feeling hurt, angry and resentful Self-acknowledgment and self-validation. You don't need the other person to grant and I'm using air quotes to grant you these feelings to be able to move on the process. The second step involves actively working towards understanding the other person. So we're talking empathy and compassion here. What you want is the offender's perspective and experiences, similar to the decision-based forgiveness model. Empathy and compassion are involved, although more as a side product than as an actual activity. Then, through self-reflection and emotional processing, your negative emotions are gradually transformed into more positive ones. For example, you get you understand why it might have happened because of the empathy and the understanding work that you've gone through in the second step. And then finally, as emotional transformation occurs and it will you end up naturally letting go of resentment and replacing it with a sense of emotional relief and acceptance or other shades of those colors for you. Now use whichever model works best for you. While both emphasize the significance of forgiveness as a deliberate and conscious process, they each differ in their focus on decision-making versus emotional transformation. It doesn't really matter which model you use, so long as you use one. If you're more of a head person, which is what I consider myself to be, I prefer the decision-making process. There's a part of me that would be a bit worried about getting swallowed up and buried under all the emotions that might come up that I'd never get out from underneath if I chose the emotion-based model. I'm not someone who cries easy, so hence the thought of something being cathartic in quotes. Cathartic and full of emotion that is just like ugh, yuck, get me away from that. But I do know that from personal experience. When I reach that point of forgiveness, it feels like a huge weight has been lifted and I can walk freely again, instead of getting bogged down in the muck of resentment. It is a journey and it needs to be started. It doesn't matter which pathway you use. It doesn't matter how deep the betrayal goes. It's letting go of it that matters. Because if, when we don't, we end up carrying that heavy load of resentment which then festers and life stops working for us the way we want it to, if philosophy is your thing, then that too has much to offer on forgiveness. Now, I just want to say here that when you forgive somebody, it doesn't mean to say that you can don't their actions. That's not what it's about at all. You're not letting them off the hook, you're just forgiving them, and that's different About philosophy, back from ancient religious teachings, you know. Forgiveness philosophical forgiveness has been around for ages, from ancient religious teachings To modern ethical frameworks like we've just talked about. Forgiveness stands as a cornerstone of human morality. Forgiveness and philosophy, though, are really complex. For example, can forgiveness coexist with justice? Question? Only you know what that is for you. Is there a point where forgiveness might conflict with the pursuit of accountability? The? It's a question. The philosopher and Theologian soren Kierkegaard once said and I really like this To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you. Say that again to forgive is to set a prisoner free and to discover that the prisoner was you. This sentiment captures the huge feeling of Liberation that genuine forgiveness can Can bring. Now let's have a look at some real-life examples of forgiveness in action. Nelson Mandela, the former president of South Africa, forgave his oppressors, including FW Declac, the last white president of a partied era South Africa. The efforts towards reconciliation and forgiveness played a pivotal role in the peaceful transition to a democratic South Africa. Nelson Mandela is known for several quotes about forgiveness, reconciliation and peace. However, one of his most famous on forgiveness reads like this as I walked out of the door towards the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn't leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I'd still be in prison. This, to me, sums up Nelson Mandela's belief in the absolute, transformative power of forgiveness. It is a great demonstration of his commitment to Reconciliation and what has to be the face of huge adversity, and it highlights his understanding that letting go of resentment and anger was essential not only to his personal growth, but for the healing of his nation. Somebody else? Back in 1944, romanian Eva Kaur and her family were forced into a cattle car packed with other Jewish prisoners and transported to the Auschwitz concentration camp. Eva and her twin sister, miriam, were just ten years old at the time. In 2001, she delivered the opening speech of the biomedical sciences and human experimentation at Kaiser Wilhelm Institutes the Auschwitz connection. That was a symposium that was taking place in Berlin. In that speech, which I'll include as a link so you can read it for yourself and fall if you'd like it's. It's amazingly powerful. She said. Forgiveness is an act of self healing, self-empowerment and self-liberation from the past. She was strong that the idea of Forgiveness isn't condoning or excusing the wrong that was done, but rather as a way for survivors to reclaim their own well-being and agency. She believed that forgiveness could lead to personal healing and growth and when you have that, you can then move forward with your life. As a Holocaust survivor, eva forgave the Nazis and publicly forgave Dr Joseph Minghelea, nazi doctor who performed horrific human experiments on prisoners. She did this during her testimony at the Auschwitz trial. Eva's act of forgiveness was a powerful testament to her strength and her determination to heal. And here's a third example, another powerful third example Born in 1972, immaculé Elie Bagiza suffered the Rwandan genocide and forgave those who killed her family. Her story of forgiveness and healing has been widely shared as a testament to the power of forgiveness in the face of extreme adversity. Some of her quotes include I've seen hatred and I have seen love, and love is more powerful. The power of forgiveness is huge, it is really big, and it can save this world. Faith moves mountains. If faith were easy, there would be no mountains. Okay, so all of that's well and good. Maybe you're thinking you don't need to get caught up in any woo-woo shrinky stuff when it comes to forgiveness. But actually not only are relationships negative, negatively affected when you hold on to resentment, so is your body physically. There's plenty of research around to show that chronic stress resulting from holding on to any unresolved anger, resentment or hostility contributes to having ill health and disease, disease split dis-ease. As medicos, I'm sure you already know this, but just in case you need a reminder, we have the stress response activation. When you hold on to resentment, your body stress system can get activated. This triggers the release of those powerful hormones like cortisol and adrenaline and, as you know, these can lead to increased heart rate, elevated blood pressure and tense muscles. None of these are desirable things to have, unless you need to take on that saber-toothed tiger and maybe some of your, some of the people that you are resentful about, may seem like saber tooth targets to you, but you know you gotta let it go. Another thing that can happen is the immune system suppression. Prolonged stress from unresolved negative emotions can suppress the immune immune systems functioning, which, as you would know because you're a medico, it means that the body then is more susceptible to infections and illness, and that slows down the healing process. Now, who wants that? I'm also sure you're aware that chronic stress and negative emotions have been linked to CV, cardiovascular problems such as high blood pressure, heart disease and an increased risk of heart attacks and strokes. Again, who wants to look forward to any of those? Stress and negative emotions can affect digestion by reducing blood flow to the digestive tract, which in turn leads to issues such as indigestion, acid reflux and even IBS, irritable bowel syndrome. Not on my list of things to have, thank you very much. What about sleep disturbances? Affording a sleep, staying asleep or experiencing restful sleep is something you suffer from and it hasn't got anything to do with, say, menopause. Then maybe, just maybe, it could have something to do with being resentful. And, of course, then you've got the ongoing emotional weight of resentment and anger that contributes to mental health issues, as if we don't have enough already, like anxiety, depression and mood disorders. Oh, let's talk about inflammation in our bodies. Chronic stress and negative emotions can all kick that off as well. Then we have a whole raft of health conditions like autoimmune diseases, chronic pain and even, sadly, some cancers. What about growing old faster? No, thank you, the clock takes fast enough without me speeding it up through resentment. Thank you very much. High levels of stress and negative emotions have been linked to accelerated cellular aging. And who wants that? Because then you've got premature aging and other age related health issues to contend with. Of course, the disclaimer not everyone's response to stress and negative emotions is the same. Some of us find it easier to let go of than others. However, overall, the accumulation of physiological changes from holding on to resentments can have a detrimental impact on both physical and mental health over time. What does resentment look like in real life? How do you know if you might have a teeny, weeny, ntsy, weeny, litty, bitty bit of resentment going on? The chances are that you're constantly thinking about whatever or whoever it is you think or feel has wronged you. You're caught up in the cycle of resentment rumination. You go over and over and over and over, and if that's not enough, you continue to go over and over and over in your head. Maybe you feel regret or remorse. Maybe you're resentful because you didn't say or do something to change an outcome. Do you have some self-blame going on that you need to forgive yourself for? Are you fearful or do you avoid people or someone specifically? Are you protecting yourself? Do some people trigger horrible memories for you? What about tense relationships. Is there someone at work or in your personal life you notice brings you down when they're around? Is there a grudge thing going on? What about passive aggressive behavior? If you're unsure what passive aggressive behavior looks like, then check out episode 120. It's called how to recognize the toxic tactics of gaslighting, microaggression and passive aggression in the workplace. I'll put the link to that in the show notes for this episode so that you can read it. Listen to it. Listen to it if you want to. If you've got any of those things happening, here are three steps that you can take to start your own healing process. Firstly, self reflection and acknowledgement. You need to look at how you're feeling or the thought process is going on in your head. Do you have any remuneration, resentment, rumination going on, like I described? The over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over some more recurrences of someone or an event going on in your head? Let go of any self judgment. It's absolutely okay to feel hurt, angry and or upset. Validating these emotions is an important first step towards forgiveness. Next, look at what happened from the other person's viewpoint. Walk a few moons in their moccasins. What do you think could have made them do or say what they did? What might have motivated their actions? Were there any external factors or circumstances that could have contributed? Need to recognize that everyone is carrying their own cross in some way or another. We don't know what's going on behind closed doors inside someone's homes. None of us, none of us is perfect. Maybe, just maybe, they haven't even realized you are hurting because of them. Imagine how you'd feel if you suddenly discovered you'd hurt someone unintentionally. You'd feel awful. Well, I hope you'd feel awful. I would feel awful, and maybe that's how it is for them. With you, then, what you need to do is make the conscious decision to forgive and let go. This doesn't mean condoning or excusing the behavior. Instead, it's about choosing to free yourself from the emotional burden and the weight that you've been carrying around, that you don't need to. You can try journaling, you can try mindfulness, or maybe even writing a letter and then burning it or putting it through the shredder. Use the destructive symbolism to let go of whatever it was that was on that piece of paper. Keep in mind that forgiveness is a gradual process. It's like the ancient hair shampoo advert it won't happen overnight, but it will happen. Maybe you need to revisit the same resentment a few times, because it runs deep but like layers of the onion. Work on it layer by layer, and remember that forgiveness is a personal journey. There's no one-size-fits-all approach. The first step, though, is being patient and compassionate with yourself. Physician, heal thyself. We've barely scratched the surface, and you need to think of forgiveness as being like a tapestry, woven from diverse threads of psychology, philosophy and human experience, a tapestry that holds the power to heal wounds, to mend relationships and set you on a path towards growth. Please join me in the upcoming episodes as we delve deeper into the neuroscience of forgiveness, exploring its roles in different cultures and diving into the nuances of what happens when you forgive yourself. Until next time, remember that forgiveness is a journey, one that begins within and radiates outward, touching lives and transforming hearts. Oh, and, if you liked this podcast, please help us get the word out there by leaving a comment and sharing it among your friends. If you're not following us yet, then please do that as well. It's free and it doesn't hurt, I promise. It just means that you won't have to go looking for next week's episode, because it will show up in your podcast feed as soon as it's released. Thank you. This is Julie South signing off and inviting you to go out there and be the most forgiving, fantabulous version of you you can be. The Vet Staff podcast is proudly powered by vetclinicjobscom, the new and innovative global job board reimagining veterinary recruitment. Connect in veterinary professionals with clinics that shine online. Vetclinicjobscom is your go-to resource for finding the perfect career opportunities and helping vet clinics power up their employer branding game. Visit vetclinicjobscom today to find vet clinics that shine online, so veterinary professionals can find them. Vetclinicjobscom.