240. The expectation to drink

Do you ever feel like you're outgrowing alcohol, that you are longing for a deeper connection to life? If alcohol is keeping you playing small and feels like the one area, you just can't figure out you are in the right place. Hi, my name is Mary Wagstaff. I'm a Holistic alcohol coach who ended a 20 year relationship to alcohol without labels, counting days or ever making excuses. Now I help powerful women just like you eliminate their desire to drink on their own terms. In this podcast, we will explore the revolutionary approach of my proven five shifts process that gets alcohol out of your way by breaking all of the rules, and the profound experience that it is to rediscover who you are on the other side of alcohol. I am so thrilled to be your guide. Welcome to your journey of awakening. Welcome back to the show my beautiful listeners, how are you today? I am feeling well, I'm about to head out and pick my son up from where he is right now. And one of the benefits that I'm trying to tap into of being now in the city is that I get to walk to pick him up, how fun is that? That would not have happened where I was. And so I'm so thrilled to be able to do more walking and go to parks and some of the things that we couldn't do when we were out in the mountain, which is all the reasons that I decided to leave in the first place. Have you ever had the thought that drinking is an expectation of other people on you? Yes, you have? I know you have. Because this is one of the biggest triggers. For so many people, they feel like they have a lot of control when they're by themselves, and they can control their circumstances. But as soon as they're around other people, they feel like drinking is an expectation. And we're just going to zoom out a little bit. And just because something has become a regular occurrence is what usually, you know, people have they expect something because it's how it's normally done, right? It's just the normal mode of things, right? You expect your spouse to come home after work, because that's what they normally do. But if there is a change in plans, it doesn't mean that they don't love you anymore. Right? And now it could mean that right? And that's something else that we get into coaching is like what are our expectations are? What are we making it mean about them? But I want you to put yourself in the role of the other right? What kind of expectations do you have for your friends or your partner about their drinking? Do you have any expectations about other people's drinking? And if a friend of yours showed up at happy hour, and you were ordering some appetizers and drinks, and they just ordered a drink, and there was no conversation about what they were drinking or not drinking? Would you? What would How would you feel? What would your thought be? Would you be disappointed? Would you be shocked? Would you be angry? Would you be resentful? What would your energy be right? And what if they didn't make a big deal about it? What if they just everyone ordered Margarita and they're like all the club soda with lime. And then you guys just went on chatting and eating? Well would change about that converse about that experience? Nothing Nothing for you would change because that person wasn't drinking. The only thing that would change would be your emotion based on your thought about about the circumstance, that person's behavior, that person's behavior of ordering a non alcoholic drink, right. So when you can put yourself in the X in the other position, right? What we think what we often think, and yes, someone may have giving you their opinions about like, it won't be fun if you're not drinking anymore, right? Well, that's a hypothetical scenario. And I talked about this a few weeks ago. That is their rip personal responsibility for how they want to feel about it. Their first hand experience has nothing to do with what's going in your body. Nothing ever, right? So if you showed up and you went to a steak house, and you were like I'm just gonna get a big potato because I'm just like not feeling steak and actually he's really haven't been eating me anymore. I'm just like not eating me. How angry is someone going to be at you? And who are you hanging out with? What kind of adults are you hanging out with? Right like this is the bigger question. I'm 42 years old. I work with women, you know, mostly in there. 40s 50s 60s And it's like, are we adults? Right? Like, I mean, I'm kind of I'm kind of past that point, like, we got to do it all the same or dressing the same, like, that's just not the phase that we're in anymore. So what we want to do is take a step back and say, like, where does that mindset come from? Right that we got to do it like everyone else. It's something that I think we do when we're younger, to fit in, to be like people to be part of the crowd, or to even stand out right to be rebellious. And I've talked about this a lot on the show that, you know, not drinking is really the act of sacred rebellion, because it's especially doing it unapologetically without, like, Yeah, I'm just not drinking, I'm just, I'm having a club soda, right. And then there's opportunity to be vulnerable, and go deeper and talk about the shifts in it. I mean, I love talking about how awesome my life is not drinking, it's amazing. And all of the other things that I've been able to awaken to in the in the abundance, like, I'm feeling so abundant right now. I feel like I'm in very high demand, even just with my friends and people reaching out to me and the retreat and all the things it feels amazing. I would never be able to hold space for this though, right? If i i wouldn't understand my cycle, I would have other all these expectations of myself, if I lived my life in accordance with what I thought the expectation was, was someone else's expectation was of me to drink, right? I don't care what other people's expectations are. For me, those are their expectations, right? Now we can have a conversation about it. And that's called an agreement. Right? When we have expectations of other people. Brooke Castillo of The Life Coach School calls this a manual. And it's such a brilliant concept that everyone has to understand, because it's not really a concept is what we do, we expect from the other through our lens, right? We create what she calls, we create manuals for other people's behavior based on what we would do, right. And I had talked about that couple that a couple of weeks ago that left the Airbnb because they had had this person die. And, you know, in my manual, and I was obviously I looked at it from all perspectives, but my manual was like, Well, I wouldn't, that's not what I would have done, I wouldn't have left, unless it was this particular scenario. And I've actually used it as an opportunity to really support myself and be like, I'm just so glad I'm here. And we have the space to relax in and whatever. And I don't know all of the things that they that person needed me, right. But like, that was my manual, I was like, I don't really understand, like, this seems like a good opportunity for you to be here. But if you gotta go, you gotta do your thing, right. And so when we have expectations for people based on how we would do something, we really take away their sovereignty. And we really create a black and white system of thinking, where we it's all or nothing on or off. And there's always a reason why that's not true. And we worked a lot around this in the program, the marriage upgrade that I'm in with Matthew, where it's like, he never right, she really, she really tuned into that a lot, my coach, Dr. Shavon, about looking at these times where we have these extreme black and whites and giving us an opportunity to look at why they're not true. Because as soon as we realize like, okay, of course, like that's like you never say thank you. Of course, that's not true, right? And so we can take it down a notch. And we can be in reality, because when we have these extremes, and like this person just expects of me all the time, and they're going to be mad. And if I don't do this, then this is what's going to happen. Well, every moment is a new moment, right? And then we don't ever make space for new possibility. And then we don't give permit, or we don't make space for other people to a have their own experience. And for other and for us to have a new experience with them. And they think it's when we when we think someone expects us to do be behave a certain way. What we really are doing is we are now having an expectation of them, that that's how they're going to act. We just know it right? I just know that person. That's just how they are. Right? How unfair is that to not give people the opportunity to change and to grow and to be different, especially when you show up with different energy and this is how manifestation works with you. If you show up not drinking with the mindset. They're going to, they're going to expect me to drink and you're in the energy of what that creates. So when I think they're going to expect me to drink they're going to have a problem with me not drinking. The emotion that that creates for me is anxiety. I feel unsettled I feel when I show up with this isn't about them. This is about me. I'm open When I feel grounded, I'm like, Yeah, I'm so excited to meet this person and hang out with them when I'm thinking that they can, or I can like, be like, yeah, they can think that they can think whatever they want, I love them no matter what, the way that person is going to respond to you is going to be so much different than when you're waiting for them to freak out. Because of expectation. This is how manifestation works, the energy we create has an impact and a ripple effect. Now, we still don't have control over that person. But we know when we show up in a place, disarming grounded open, right? It's like if you show up showed up in an interview, and you were had your arms around your chest and your legs cross and you weren't making eye contact the whole time, you're probably not going to get the job, right? The same thing, right? We as humans work on energy, and I'm body language, just because that's what you've always done with someone doesn't mean it's the way that it always has to be, it doesn't give opportunity for your relationship to evolve, doesn't give that person permission to feel their own feelings when they want to feel them. And they always say this, like, I want to know the truth, because I want to have the opportunity to decide for me for myself, right? It's not fair for you to decide ahead of time for me how I get to feel, right. So in honor of your friendships and honor of your relationships, the authenticity, showing up authentically you and vulnerable and open from a place of the heart, this is what I need for me, or being very casual. And like, I feel amazing, right now I'm not drinking, I feel wonderful, you got a problem with sorry, like, let's you want to talk about it, you want to talk about why it's a problem for you, I'm here, I'm open, I'm willing, right? But you don't give we don't give that space, when we automatically assume they have an expectation of us what really is, is you have an expectation of them of how they're going to respond. Right? And, and also what you're expecting, of, of yourself of how you think you're supposed to behave in a particular circumstance, where you get to behave all the different ways you want to whenever you want to all the time, right? You get to show up with purple hair and kale on if you want to. There's no rules, there's no expectations. And the quicker you can learn that about the rewriting your story, right? Like every single day is a new chapter to redefine yourself to burn the box of the conditioned beliefs. And I'm not saying it's easy, but when you become aware of the story that you're telling yourself of these expectations. That's the first step. So this week, when you are anything, not even just around drinking, right? When you have been decided when you haven't been drinking, and it's been really feeling really easy. But you your thoughts automatically go to what what are other people going to think or that person expects something of me, right? Whether it's alcohol or not, I want you to ask yourself, How do you know that? And if it's based on the past way, they've responded, do a little bit of that retrospective planning of? Well, how did I show up? Right? Was I clear about what I wanted? This happens with me with Matthew and I all the time where I he responds in a way. And I but I wasn't even clear about what I wanted. Right? So I was confused. I was ungrounded. Of course, he responded in that way. He was like, what, what do you need from me? What do you want out of it? Right now. But you know, we figured that out through this coaching program is a lot of times I'll like kind of buffer and I want to figure something out about my own emotions, and I'll call him and it creates something between him and I that has nothing to do with us. And it's really about myself. So I've learned to not do that. I've learned to like figure out what it is I need from him first. And I know it's not always perfect. And now that I'm in the big city, maybe I'll just go for a walk instead or go you know, get a coffee, I don't know. But it was you know, it definitely was a habit. So look at your expectations, this what you think other people are expecting of you. And if it's actually them, or if it's actually you having expectations of the way that they're going to behave and write a new story for yourself, what you have control over. How do you want to show up with your energy? Right? So that when you do order a club soda, it's like, no big deal. No one cares. The truth is no one cares if you're drinking they care if they're drinking, and the only reason that they're gonna say anything about you not drinking is because they don't want to have to there there's like the reflection in the mirror right then they have to confront their own relationship with their with alcohol if they don't have a drinking, buddy, right? So that's the work they have to do for themselves. That's not the work you need to do for them, but you can love them. Right. And I think it gives you the opera tunity to to look at relationships like, do you really want to hang out with people that are going to support your choices of like eating meat, not eating meat driving, walking, dyeing your hair, getting Botox, like whatever the hell it is you want to do, like, I want to hang out with people that don't care like that want to just support and love me for what makes me happy. And but when you're drinking, you don't have the opportunity to really examine that for yourself. And you don't really get to see the fullness of when I show up authentically me. Is this an opportunity to grow a relationship? Or is this an opportunity to reexamine a relationship because it could be both right. And most importantly, it's an opportunity to to grow the relationship that you have to yourself, because that's what this journey of awakening is all about is the alcohol. Your relationship with alcohol ends when you begin a new relationship with yourself. So whose expectations do you want to meet your own for yourself and be in alignment with your values, right and hold yourself up to the standard that you want to live into, or a hypothetical expectation that you know everyone has whims and ways so you get to decide, test this out, see how it goes, see where you're putting expectations in other people's brains that aren't even there. And go out and be unapologetically you and see how other people respond to it. So that's your challenge for today. I would love to know how it goes. You can write in with any questions or feedback you have for the show or any episodes that you would like to listen to. My email is in the show notes and I can't wait to talk to you soon. Have a great week. Bye. As much as I know you would love to you cannot wish yourself alcohol free. You have to take action to do something different. So what I want you to do is head on over to my website Mary Wagstaff coach.com, where you can download the free training of the five shifts of intuitive drinking, along with a free guide of questions that you can ask yourself every single day when you have an urge. When you have a craving when you wake up in the morning, you can make it a ritual practice to start to observe yourself in a new way. And it will guide you through the process of learning to tap into your own deeper knowing so that you can develop a new relationship to yourself, which will in turn and your relationship to alcohol. Mary Wagstaff coach.com To register for the free On Demand training right now.