247. Redefining Fun

Do you ever feel like you're outgrowing alcohol, that you are longing for a deeper connection to life? If alcohol is keeping you playing small and feels like the one area, you just can't figure out you are in the right place. Hi, my name is Mary Wagstaff. I'm a Holistic alcohol coach who ended a 20 year relationship to alcohol without labels, counting days or ever making excuses. Now I help powerful women just like you eliminate their desire to drink on their own terms. In this podcast, we will explore the revolutionary approach of my proven five shifts process that gets alcohol out of your way by breaking all of the rules and the profound experience that it is to rediscover who you are on the other side of alcohol. I am so thrilled to be your guide. Welcome to your journey of awakening. Welcome back to the show my beautiful listeners, thank you for being here for another episode. If you're new welcome. Come on in get cozy, you are welcomed here, you have found a spot for what I believe is just a deeper inquiry that your heart is really longing for. And sometimes you just don't know the questions to ask. Because there are so many perspectives in the world. There are so many things and parts of us, especially as women that are innate inside of us that have not been our experience. As far as just our evolution and learning and even for many, many generations. In the past, there are just parts of the way that we want to express ourselves naturally in the world, that we don't really know how. And that is what we are going to talk about today. It is so amazing that as I coach my clients, week by week, there are often very common themes that often come up and arise. And it is always, I've always surprised even though it happens pretty much every week that I don't know if something in the stars or where we're at in the coaching or what I'm offering. But last week, what was coming up for pretty much every single person that I coached was, how to have more fun how to have fun without alcohol. And I think that there are people that have a really easy time, not drinking in social settings like this isn't necessarily about just being social. And there are people that have a really hard time, not drinking, not drinking in social settings. But beyond that, it's like we're not just having fun when we're being social, right. But that's a lot of the times what we equate it to. So I, I titled this episode redefining fun because at the end of it all, as I was examining, kind of looking back at all of my clients, it really was that process, it was really about defining fun through the lens of alcohol and all of the various things that that could mean to you. For some people, it is going out and being social and you know commiserating about work at happy hour on a Friday night. But for others, it's when they're by themselves and they're kind of their alone time at home. But often, it's when they don't have all of the labels and responsibilities that are often you know, that we do choose, but that are often required of you on a day to day. So it's when kind of when that time is off. And so the circumstance doesn't really matter. But it's it's, it's really when you're off right when you're not working. Maybe when you're not parenting, maybe when your partner is out of town. Or maybe it's when the when your partner and you are alone together, right and you have some adult time together, or when you have access to being you know, just with your friends. So just kind of understand what that might be for you. And the problem is, is that first you've been associating a lot of pleasant things that you already enjoy with alcohol, right there has been an association of and I'll just use an example I go to a concert to listen to music, which in and of itself, for most people, for many people is very pleasurable. But because you've been drinking during that time, that emotion that has been created for you when you get excited to go see like your favorite artist, and to maybe go dance and relax or just take in the beauty of music artistic form of music, right? You have had a drink. So that emotion that is created during that time is now associated in your body, your body feels that emotion. And it's now associated with the frequency in the vibration of alcohol it is expecting it is the trigger of expecting that bit of dopamine that dopamine hit right. Now, when it comes to something that may already be creating a pleasant feeling in your body, when we listen to music, we can have increased levels of serotonin and dopamine and other feel good chemicals have has now been overridden by alcohol, right? So there's this biological moment of understanding that you have to have this is an association, right.

And the other problem

is that there's a lot of things that you do and that you may have done in your past or that you continue to do that may not be that much fun, maybe like commiserating with colleagues at a happy hour on Friday. Right really mean if we kind of broke it down in a coaching session, it would be like I'm stressed out from work, and I just want to relax. But what happens is that then the the the stories and the about work continued to get perpetuated. And that feeling of frustration or annoyance, or just even the thought of being associated with that role in that label in your life are now compounding. And so the action in and of itself, right, like we kind of get these little like gossip, for example, does give us these little floods of dopamine. And that's why gossip can also be pretty habit forming. And it can create a a temporary sense of relief. But in the end, it doesn't create that lasting satisfaction. Like it doesn't feel really that good in your body to like go talk trash about someone, right. And the end, it's kind of like it feels kind of icky. And that's something that I see a lot of my clients really change, when they start to shift the way that they think about themselves and talk to themselves, they also start to shift the way that they think about other people and really giving other people permission to you know, to be themselves and to understand, like, you know, you can even be like, Wow, from my perspective, this seems a little crazy. But you know, they're doing the best that they know how, right because that's really all we're doing. Like we're not intentionally trying to screw up our lives, even if there's like intentional self sabotage. But anyway, it's still may be for a lack of understanding a better way. So there's those two things, there's the things that you really love that are being overridden by alcohol. And then there's the things that you don't know really, that you don't really like that just aren't fun to you naturally, that or that is also overridden by alcohol, because what happens during that time, is that you're the thoughts that you would naturally have, say, going out, I'm just going to keep using these examples going out to happy hour with friends, like just kind of sitting around and shooting the ship, maybe with people that you wouldn't necessarily be friends with except for the fact that you work with them. The thoughts that you would have there, if you weren't drinking would probably be thoughts, that would be not create like a not creating a pleasant environment for you. So alcohol being inhibiting your thinking kind of just temporarily erases those thoughts puts those on the back burner. And you just bypass your natural preference for actually being there. And so there's a couple of ways around that. You can examine that and examine and understand what your thoughts are and wonder, get curious about Well, is there a new perspective to have and and is there a new kind of guideline or framework? Like, can I just allow myself to be here for a half hour an hour? Have a little snack and you know, a soda water and go home? Or do I have some other thought of you know, that creates like people pleasing and putting expectations in into people's minds that aren't even there, right? Like we create thoughts in our own head about mostly about other people's expectation. So you can look at why your thoughts are making a certain circumstance feel like not fun without alcohol. Or you can give yourself permission to do something else and it's like, on a Friday, do I really want to continue to go talk about work? Or would I rather go and take myself out to this hiking trail that I love and really decompress and really leave work in you know, with the computer off and kind of just really be able to enjoy my day. A my weekend, which is what you're looking for alcohol to do anyway, you're looking for that natural relief of alcohol to, to decompress to release the mind to let go to let loose to, to kind of reclaim a sense of self outside of outside of the labeling of these other responsibilities that we have that maybe take time away from doing the things that you would just love to do for yourself, right. But the drinking really ends up compounding that behavior, when you could just turn it off and go find that naturally, on your own. So you really have to, from a neutral place, examine the things that you're doing and understand, do I like this thing at all? And why? And if I do, what are some of my thoughts? And the reasons that I do? And if I don't, what are some of my thoughts and the reasons that I don't? And could I shift my perspective, right, like, that's the first start. So it's all about awareness, and then getting curious, and the compassion to know I've grown, I'm a grown adult woman. And there may be part of my story that I'm telling myself that I've outgrown. So something that, you know, when Matthew and I first met, it was party central, like we I had just kind of discovered, like, a different type of dance music that I really liked, and going to festivals, and this kind of new fun group of friends where we'd like get dressed up, and just like this different way of expressing myself, in a fun way that I never had. And it was, it was really, it was really, really great. But it kind of wore, I mean, especially after I had em, it was really like, oh, like I felt a little bit forced. So was I was like, you know, I had to examine was this a story that I had outgrown? Because there were points in my early sobriety, where I would feel these natural inclinations. I'm recording this, at the end of October around Halloween. And this is one of my very favorite times of the year for many, many reasons. And I won't get into that now. But there was one or maybe I can, because I think that there's an invitation there of something that I shifted. So I love we always would make costumes, we'd we always get dressed up and get super creative and go to these like really wild like dance parties and have, you know, so much fun. And I really, that was one of the things that I really did love, I really loved that part of it, I really loved celebrating kind of the, the beyond the veil realm of, of the masquerade of like getting to be this different version of myself and being creative, because it's really one of the only holidays that you get to be really creative in is Halloween. And now what I celebrate as I dove into the feminine mysteries, and the Wheel of the Year is Sowon. Sowon is the cross quarter, holy day, the Sabbath of between the fall equinox and the winter solstice. And it's also celebrated in other parts of the world, as you know, around Day of the Dead, and All Saints Day for the reason that we are kind of transferring into this liminal space. So this is actually a really good example. Because what it helped me do was to redefine

this, this, this innate desire that

I had to really interact with this season. And how I've talked to you guys about this a lot recently about my you know, your senses coming alive and really diving into your sensory experience. And I knew there was something in there, I didn't want to give it up. But I remember, you know, like the first one or two Halloween times where I was feeling this pole to kind of party right to feel this other like there had been this association with. I didn't want to drink I didn't want to be dissociated. But that was the imprint in my body. And so I knew that the thoughts about the my, my habitual brain that still had these deeper grooves about alcohol wasn't true, because that's just, you know, this, that's just what I told myself and I want you to tell yourself that that all the thoughts you have about alcohol aren't true. And you're re examining them you're like yep, this is the habit braid about alcohol. None of it's true. I'm not going to believe any of it. And I'm gonna go and I'm going to disprove all of it. So I started diving into more magic and mysticism, and really sorcery. I mean, I, I love working with the elements and the element of fire and I would create these giant beautiful altars out with the Fallen foliage outside these nature altars and commune with them and set my intentions and work with the elements. And this connected me to that part of myself. That I was really craving and we still did make costumes and we still did go to some really wild party Are these. And what was fascinating was what I didn't realize before because I was more focused on drinking and doing other drugs, recreational drugs, recreational drugs, it's kind of a funny term, it's like, just doing drugs, the alcohol is a drug do right. I don't know how recreational they were, I wasn't doing them every day basically, was that this, we would go to this one event in Portland, that had all of these really amazing offerings happening that was kind of in light of the season, right, they would have like, it was always seemed, there was different ways. It wasn't just going and staring at a DJ, but that there was artwork there, there was tea ceremonies there, they served cacao, they had a photo booth, like there was all of these other ways to connect in this environment that ended up really being, you know, kind of a multi dimensional experience, versus just, we're just here for the booze and to get crazy now tell me a lot of people probably were, but I really did notice a different energy shift when I was was more present with that experience. So I so we get to reexamine these things that we think we love. And we get to re define them, right? So having fun as the woman that you are right now, and owning that, and honoring that, and really looking at what are all of the rules and the parameters that you've put up for yourself, right, it's like, I've talked about this on the show a lot and something my clients and I plan ahead of time. So you know, if you're gonna if you have a specific expectation of other people, or yourself or what other expectations that you think people have a view, then you really lose the intention. So we want to pull out all of the expectations that your brain has created a story and a belief structure about, because if you have a really deeply ingrained belief structure like you do around alcohol, that it is, your brain is going to look for evidence. And it's not hard to find evidence to support alcohol, right. So that's why the work is really intentional for you to find evidence against your belief system, right now, it doesn't have to be shaming alcohol or putting alcohol down. But evidence that I can redefine my expectations, I can examine them, redefine them, and show up for the way of what they mean to me. And that's the work that you need to do for yourself of taking personal responsibility. Even if someone says to you, I'm disappointed that you're leaving. Well, now that's their personal responsibility in you get to decide what you want to make that mean, right, you can decide, I feel really bad about that. Or you can decide, I'm a grown woman, and I'm going to take them, this is how I take care of myself, those two thoughts feel very different. I'm a grown woman. And this is how I take care of myself versus I feel really bad, right? Because that person, like your behavior now becomes their circumstance that they get to think whatever they want about, they could think, Wow, I'm so glad that Mary's taking care of herself. Good for you, which is like what I tell my friends and how we all support each other is like listen to your body right? Now, you can be disappointed and really respect someone else's needs in the same breath. And then they get over it and they move on and they still love you. So really look at what are the thoughts that are keeping you from being in your most authentic mode. And then just know that sometimes these associations just take time to kind of diminish and weaken. But the more we reinforce a new habit, and the less we reinforce another pattern. Now I don't associate this time of year with alcohol at all. And I don't even have like the feeling like that sensory memory, which is kind of elusive. And what I tell people is don't take it personal. It's not about you. It's biology, right? It's just like, we get the sameness like Christmas, if you celebrate Christmas, or if you celebrate any holiday around, you know, the wintertime season. It's been so reinforced as this belief system, that we feel bad if we don't get presents, right? It's all reinforced a belief system, that we get to decide when to be angry about it. But we just get to decide that doesn't really work for me anymore. And I get to decide how I want to think right? I've actually changed that a lot for myself around gift giving and gift receiving and all of those things because I like to celebrate that season quite differently now. So the

solution is

you deciding as a woman you are today, what your preferences are what works for me what doesn't work for me, and then you get to go try it out from a place of curiosity, and you get to plan ahead of time. What do I want to think about this? If your intention is to have fun, and you examine what is fun To me now, then you get to just feel into your body. And you get to keep asking the question, Is this fun? Is this enjoyable and why? Right? So you just look for new evidence. And then you also look for new reactions in your body, right new reactions of like, I feel so comfortable here. So this last week, I, you I've mentioned this before, too, is that I host a women's full moon circle every single month called Sisters of the moon shout out, which some day is going to be a bigger offering, because I'm definitely working towards a more this, what I'm talking to you about today is I want to teach women and you how to have fun beyond alcohol and get into your body and be silly and be playful. And all of this has to come from not the need to lower your inhibitions by using an external substance. But by lowering your inhibitions by thinking new thoughts, being in community, seeing other people reflecting the same sentiment and doing it the same. So we had our gathering, we created a really magical ritual we shared you know, better what, where we're struggling, what we're doing for, like, why the struggle is in alignment with abundance for the greater good, you know, we like pray for the, for the world. And we did a candle magic ritual. And it was so beautiful. We had all these herbs and oils, and my sister friend Kailen, who is going to be one of our sister supports on the retreats, and 2024 so is a magical, magical woman. And her and I kind of collaborated and so we had some food and some spritzers like I had got some fun, like different things to mix up some tasty, delicious beverages. And we had so much fun and we and we, you know, set our intentions out loud and like candles, and then we burned some things of like what we needed to burn, what needed to be released. So that this our abundance, intention could come through like what we needed to be able to let go of in order to create this, this result that we wanted this this abundance intention. And it was so fun, right? Were we up hooting and hollering were we dancing, which I had kind of wanted to do some dancing, and we just never got to it? No. Were we laughing? Were there jokes? Was there reflection? Was there intimacy. There's when there wasn't any judgment. There was no. There's no competition. It's like this really beautiful way of connecting with women. And the cool thing about sisters of the moon is there. There are some people Caitlin's one of them who have been there like every single time for the entire time I've been doing it, but not everyone's super close friends. And I mean, I even with Kailyn like she's one of my good friends, but I don't talk to her all the time. I mean, we're two grown business owners doing our thing, right? So it's like what is redefining fun for you, but then there's these new women that are invited in and come in, and immediately they know they belong? Right? So then it's your responsibility to to go out and find something new to do to interact with your kids or your family. Noora who I'm hosting the retreat with was talking about playing the game headbands with her daughter, one time like she was going to prep for the call we were doing and then her daughter was like, Do you want to play a game and they played and they laughed and I've done laugh yoga with her and ways of lowering your inhibitions by ripping off kind of ripping off the band aid. So examining what is fun to you? How do you know what's pleasurable? How do you want to define fun? Because you get to define that now all on your own? What are you doing? That's not really fun? And why? And how could you change some of your thinking or your perspective to make it more enjoyable if you continue to choose to do that? Where could you? Where is the invitation to be fun already there? And you just need to say yes. Where is that? Well, a lot. If you have children, it's always there be kids because kids want to play kids want to have fun, right? And if it's with girlfriends that you have or siblings that you have, or going to a join a community, a sister circle or an ecstatic dance where alcohol isn't involved innately and going into those environments and putting yourself out there and trying new things. And I heard this coach that I follow a little bit say this on her Instagram. She said I want you to her name is Daniel savory and I think it's it's it's my pleasure is the name of her podcast. She's like a pleasure and intimacy and sex coach And she said, I want you to make sure that you tuck yourself in to something two things just as much as you talk yourself out of them. Right? So we talk ourselves out of not doing the things that we desire to do or that pique our curiosity or interest all the time. And we could make a million excuses and a million reasons why it's not going to work, right? And you have to really examine what is this mean to me? I can't afford it. I just emailed someone about this. What does that mean to you? I can't afford it. What is afford even mean? And what can you afford? Right? And then really know that for yourself?

If it comes to

like, oh, I don't want to put this burden on someone like how do you know? Is it true? Right? Or they're gonna be disappointed? Or what if I don't like it and solve those problems for yourself? answer those problems for yourself. And all just as much as you're talking yourself out of something. Do yourself a favor and see, just see it doesn't mean you have to be obligated to it, but talk yourself into it. What were the things that you need to say? And one of the things I often ask my clients is, what would the impact be? If you said yes? What would the the the bigger impact be? Like? How might that change the way that you think about yourself? The way that you show up when you're with your family, the way you show up for work on Monday morning? Right? Like if you don't go to that happy hour on Friday, in UK extend the work week? What how would you feel differently on Monday, just just as a guess what might you think if you if you just kind of shut it off, as soon as you could, and you didn't just decide to continue to talk about work more, right? This is your opportunity to get to decide right now, what do you want fun to be? And what is what do you How are you defining fun in relationship to alcohol? And is alcohol actually required? Right? Because a lot of times, it's like, Oh, well I can let loose, let my hair down, be myself. I can be myself might be myself by inhibiting the ways that I really think and feel. So I would question that, and examine that and decide for yourself right now today. What how do you want to redefine fun, and then go pick one thing that you love, that is innately fun to you, and dive into all of those reasons that it's already fun. And follow that thread, even when the habit of alcohol is telling you but you usually drink here, this is when we would drink this is when we would drink. It's not the same without it. And just be like, yeah, it's not the same without it. I'm going to experience like, Why do I even like this, and why and if it's, you know, going to listen to music. It's like, really open your ears really open your body to the sensory experience. I went to so many shows where I blacked out, but I don't even remember,

right? How much fun is that? It's not fun at all.

And so then the more you redefine fun, and you build a new belief structure than the thoughts that you're looking for outside the evidence that you're seeking, that confirmation bias is going to be in alignment with that new belief system. And it is so fun. And it's so much more magical. When you when you interact with your world, from an authentic, grounded place where all of your senses are alive, you start to really

create this

opportunity to live a really fully abundant life, because it already is and you are already magical. Alcohol is just covering

all of that up.

Have an amazing day, I would love to know what fun things that you are already doing that aren't in alignment with alcohol that had nothing to do with alcohol, and go do more of those. If you haven't subscribed to the podcast or given a review, I would absolutely love if you could take just two minutes to go ahead and follow the link in the show notes and leave a review so more people can find and join our community. Have an amazing week and I am so proud of all the work you're doing and how much you're showing up for yourself. Talk to you soon. By what I want you to know more than anything is that you don't have a drinking problem. That your relationship to alcohol is all about your thinking. It is true that you can drink less and desire alcohol less and then in turn make new choices. By becoming aware of your thoughts and shifting your perspective. I have discovered the five I've myths of quitting drinking the same thing that keeps us stuck that we keep doing again and again and again. And then the five shifts in your thinking that you will need to finally get the relief that you've been waiting for and that you deserve on your own. This process is available to right now in a free On Demand training. And all you need to do is click the link in this description of this podcast episode or on my website, Mary Wagstaff coach.com