How and where you place your attention will define your results

Do you ever feel like you're outgrowing alcohol, that you are longing for a deeper connection to life? If alcohol is keeping you playing small and feels like the one area, you just can't figure out you are in the right place. Hi, my name is Mary Wagstaff. I'm a Holistic alcohol coach who ended a 20 year relationship to alcohol without labels, counting days or ever making excuses. Now I help powerful women just like you eliminate their desire to drink on their own terms. In this podcast, we will explore the revolutionary approach of my proven five shifts process that gets alcohol out of your way by breaking all of the rules, and the profound experience that it is to rediscover who you are on the other side of alcohol. I am so thrilled to be your guide. Welcome to your journey of awakening. Welcome back to the show my beautiful listeners, thank you so much for being here for another episode. If you are tuning into this in real time, I just wanted to let you know that there is going to be the availability, if you didn't sign up for our three day workshop, there is going to be the availability to still receive those recordings. So I was offering the naturally sober Thrive guide, it was a three day mini workshop series that I wanted to offer for you to really shift into a new mindset going into the holiday season. So that come new year, you are actually way ahead of the game. So if you did not register, you definitely need to because this is everything that I teach inside of my coaching program, this is everything that I offer to my clients, and that you really only have access to in this really like workshop education way. If you work with me one on one. So it's an amazing opportunity to actually make some headway, because the truth is, is everyone wants to drink less, but no one wants to do the work to get there. So it's just like, that's why they go with the behavior. And the action is like, I'm going to just not drink and you use willpower and it completely runs out. But what I know and what we know from the way that habits are formed, is that the habit doesn't start with the behavior, the habit is learned by a belief system that is created, right. So you have beliefs not only just about alcohol, but you have beliefs about everything else in your life, that are creating the reactions that are that are queuing you to want a drink. Now in your life right now, it's like The Good, the Bad, and The Ugly, all probably are our triggers for you to drink all of your emotions, right, not just the negative ones. But when we can create an environment in which we have shifted our story, the story that we have outgrown a story that's not serving us it's not serving the people around us, it's just creating more and more of the same feelings and mindset, when we can create an environment that is more suitable for thriving, right? In our from our mindset. Now what we're left with is a habit now what we're left with is the very neutral fact that the that when you consume a drug, it your body anticipates a very strong reward, right? So different than eating a cookie, right? When you're like I was good, I get a cookie. We're amplifying that reward times whatever it is, right. Like I don't know, the science behind how much more of a pleasure response there is in your body between a cookie and a beer or a glass of wine right in there. It's just one you're still having the chemical reaction. But the very first step, and I'm just going to talk about what we talked about a little bit in the workshop is awareness. Awareness is shifting from what is unconscious to conscious, you cannot change anything, if you do not know what you are changing, right? You think a lot of times and this is one of the five myths is that it is just the behavior of alcohol. But even inside of thinking that if I could just drink less if I could control myself if I could just drink like Deb, right, all of those thoughts That's our beliefs, right? Because once the chemical of alcohol enters into your body, you have no, you have no control over how it impacts and reacts it, how your body reacts to it. So this isn't just about drinking less. This is about what are my beliefs around alcohol that have me drinking in the first place, right. And I've said this time and time again, if you want to manage your mind around alcohol, and you want to manage your urges, like your body, anticipating the chemical of alcohol, by trying to moderate, you can do that the alcohol will then always be important in your life, you will always be managing your mind around it forever. I have seen people that have they do the mindset work, they've been sober. They're actually like loving their lives and thriving. And they think, Oh, I can probably have a drink a glass of wine. But that glass, it's not that they have 10 It's not that they have they bet go on a bender, right? It's that that glass of wine is a is addictive by its nature, just the one. Right? And because you already have an imprint in your body, right? Like we can I have a limit completely 100% eliminated my desire and attachment to alcohol. But I'm not positive that there isn't some of that in print, that would be like retriggered. Right? Not because I would just be wanting it all of the time. But that it would. It's like when you build a lot of muscle, from a young age, it's easier to maintain that and grow it as you get older. Right. So it's like really, really, really deep, like trauma imprints are really really, really deep. It's like they don't show up all the time. So it's not about falling off the wagon, and like, oh, I have one drink, and now I'm screwed, right? Like you're gonna be aware of it. But if I do believe that there is going to be a difference between someone that never drank and that you know, 50 years old, they have a glass of wine and someone that drank for 20 years. And they have a glass of wine, that there is going to be a remembrance, right? Like there's going to be some some echo of that in your body, for sure. And I would be amiss to say that that's not true, because I'm not here to gaslight you right. However, I do believe those same two people, like that person that never had a drink at 50. If that person has a drink, every day, every other day ever, even once a week, they are going to start to form a habit and an attachment to it because of the nature of alcohol. So we can focus on that part of alcohol and like yeah, you know, and this is like people are so so afraid, because of so much of the stigma, to admit that they're addicted to alcohol. And I heard I think his name is Pat Buchanan. He is a Instagram person. And he is like a sober advocate. I think he has a book called sober as dope. I've never read it. But I really I think he I like his vibe. He's really positive. But he had a post that said, I didn't know I was addicted until I tried to stop. And I was like, yes, like, That is the distinction to me, between the us versus them, right? Like everyone thinks that everyone else has this different alcohol story. And I've said this time and time again to is that they've just never tried to stop. Or they're lying about their like resistance. And it doesn't really matter what other people's experiences are. Because what we do is we look for evidence in our world to support the belief that we want. So we want it to be easy for some people to drink, because then we think we can do it too. Right? Like, I mean, I don't want that. But that's like the mindset. It's like, okay, if that exists in the world. And yeah, I'm sure there are people that like, can have a drink and never have a craving like anything, everything exists. But I would say like 95% Of all the people that drink on a somewhat regular basis. If they say no, and they try to not drink are going to have resistance to it. I know this. I've seen it. I've seen it with all of my clients. I've seen it with all of my family. I've seen it in so many environments, right? There is resistance to this because a there's a chemical, reward, and B there are all of these beliefs that support so this is something to become aware of of what happens in your body after just one drink. So what I would love for you to do for this week in this is, is really bring your awareness in to neutral, bring your attention, where am I placing my attention? When I think about alcohol? Where am I placing my attention? When I'm thinking about the holidays coming up? Am I thinking about all of the things that are going to go wrong? Or am I really excited about the being a generous person? And the gift of generosity? Right? Because like, that's one of my favorite emotions. Am I excited about decorating, right? Where are you placing your attention, and chances are, you're placing your attention more on things that aren't making you feel great than you are on things that are making you feel good. That's just the nature of the mind. But we have to bring our awareness in to where we are placing our attention. So here's a quote from the Buddha that I read in this training. Whatever we frequently think about or ponder upon becomes the inclination of the mind, whatever we frequently think about or ponder upon becomes the inclination of the mind. So when you are frequently thinking about changing alcohol, is begin to become the inclination of your mind, that is where that alcohol exhaustion comes from. So it's so important to start to shift your thinking to the outer circumference of what are all the reasons that you're drinking in the first place? Right? What are all of your thoughts about your children, about your spouse, about your work about your in laws about the holidays, about your body, about aging, about the pot about politics about the world? Right? What are all of your thoughts that are getting you to a point where you feel stressed, you feel overwhelmed, and you want to have a drink? Or maybe there's like this? Maybe there's a lot of excitement in your life, right? And you are, you are, you are in a kind of heightened state of of like being anticipating a lot, right? So you want to know that you want to know that anticipatory excited feeling that also is associated with drinking? And what are those thoughts? And then once you understand what the external thoughts are, and you solve for those, now what you're left with is a habit, right? And now you can understand what your thoughts are about alcohol, right? It won't be the same without it. I can't imagine what that would be like. And then from there, you want to really start to examine them. But the first step is just simply awareness. Where are you placing your attention, because wherever we place our attention, is going to become the inclination of our mind. So if you're only thinking about drinking at the holidays, or not drinking, or the excuse you're going to make or what you're going to do or what you're going to say or how you're going to feel. That is you are going to become obsessed about it. So my invitation to you is to see what is on the external and how can you create the environment that you want to thrive in, in your mind, but you first have to bring what is unconscious, conscious and bring yourself in to the present timeline. Because when it comes to alcohol, most people are quitting by putting alcohol at the center of change. They are trying to figure it out. And there is really nothing to figure out about alcohol. What you want to figure out is about you how you can do what you think alcohol is doing for you on your own. And the first step of that is to become aware of where you are placing your attention. So a couple of practices that I gave to the workshop people is the simple practice of placing your attention on your breath. Because if you are in a heightened state of emotion, say you're triggered, you're even experiencing trauma. You're having a panic attack. You are feeling extremely depressed. You're in worry overwhelmed. You're going to notice short and breath your eyes are darting you're confused. You're dropping things you're losing things you are are skipping tasks from one thing to the next. You have to shift your timeline. Because your timeline is either in the past, in worry regret, why did I do it differently? This used to be this way, all the things or in the future, right? Have I don't know how to do it, I'm confused, what is it going to be like, I can't stand that person, I'm nervous to be around them, I've got so many things on my plate, yada, yada, yada, you have to bring yourself into the present timeline, because this is the only timeline that exists. And when you continue to try to create your future from the past, you repeat the past, right? So when you try to create your future, from the beliefs of your past, you're going to repeat your past. And the only way to do that is to come into the present timeline, become extremely aware of what you're thinking, what's going on in your body, and intentionally choose a new pathway. And this is how you unlearn alcohol, and how you really learn another way. So something that I want to say, and then I'll tell you about the practices, because I got a little sidetracked something that I want to say about shifting beliefs. My book coach and I have been talking about this a lot. What came first, the chicken or the egg? What comes first the thought or the belief? Well, beliefs are thoughts that you think again, and again and again. However, when we are children, we're not conscious of this, like our belief systems, and our self concept is really established, very unconsciously, unintentionally. So really, at this current timeline in your life, you have this set of belief systems, about who you are about the world about alcohol, about the way people should be about morality, about your values, all of these things, right. So when something from the outside world negates that, that creates an emotion inside of you, right? Or when it even, maybe you have a belief system about yourself and someone's someone says something that reinforces that that could create an emotions like, Wow, is that true? It's like, if you think that, you know, you're not attractive, and someone says something to you, that reinforces that you're going to you you're going to believe that right? You're going to believe it even more. It's it's in alignment with your belief system. But on the other hand, if someone does something, or says something that negates that, like you don't believe it, and it's gonna, it's gonna bump up against you, right, this is what Michael singer talks about, it bumps up against what you already believe there's it's an emotion inside of you and either scenario. But you thought those you were thinking those thoughts unconsciously to form these belief systems. So now there is this opportunity to consciously create a belief system that supports the new life that you want the new environment that you create the new perspective, that you the new lens that you want to see your life through, the one that supports you, drinking less, right, the one that disproves all of your thoughts about alcohol, and you get to do that consciously and intentionally. But how you do that is one thought at a time. So yeah, there's this like bag full of belief of thoughts on one side that creates your belief, you already have the the ladder built, but now you are kind of starting at the beginning from building one thought at a time. The truth is, though is there is a lot inside of you that you just need to mined for gold, like you do have a lot of gold in there. And that's where your values come in, you have to but that you had to bring those to the forefront, you have to let them lead you have to let your wisdom and your higher self and evidence lead. But that's why you have to place your attention and become more mindful in the present moment. So the practices are a finding your breath, noticing how your breath moves in your body, calming your nervous system, resetting your nervous system, with a big deep AHA right? This AHA breath just releases ha just kind of spills over. And people think that this you know, it's like they want to skip over this stuff. But I'm telling you, this is how you have to learn a new way or you will be chasing your tail. But it doesn't take long once you do it from a place of conscious awareness and intentionality. And you do it from a place of really honoring yourself and honoring. What's bigger than this, right? I said this in the training too, it's like, one of my beliefs is that my naturally, having access to my naturally sober self isn't just about me. This is about raising the vibration of the planet, so that I can shift my perspective and be a better citizen of the world to see and understand other people's perspectives. And I can't do that when I'm having tunnel vision when all I'm thinking about is alcohol, right? So for me, my naturally sober self is, is the highest state of devotion and the highest place of service for me. So coming in to do this practice of finding my breath, how do I want to react? How do I want to respond versus react right now I do this in other areas of my life, how do I be a better mother? How do I be a better partner? How do I be a better at my serving my clients? How do I show up when I don't want to how do I treat myself more kindly. And then the other practice is to come to your senses, you have five senses, plus your breath. So you have six opportunities to anchor your mind, sight, sound, touch, taste, smell. And you can focus on any one of those or all five of those in reshift your mind from a present or past timeline, or from a past or future timeline into the present moment. So your assignment for this week is to simply become aware and ask yourself again and again. And again, when you feel a certain emotion, chances are more than likely we are feeling discomfort, resistance, negative emotion, where am I placing my attention? This could be about alcohol, or this could be about any other circumstance in your life. If you are excited, and you are feeling good, where am I placing my attention, right? A lot of times when we're getting a little dopamine rush, maybe from planning the future, buying stuff or thinking about things, we just want to know where we're placing our attention. And then you want to find one practice, to just shift, come into the present moment, so that you get out of your mind and you come into the only place the only thing that really exists is this moment, right here right now. This is it. Be Here Now again, and again and again and again, because nothing else exists. Okay? You have your assignment, have an amazing week, and I'll talk to you soon. What I want you to know more than anything is that you don't have a drinking problem, that your relationship to alcohol is all about your thinking. It is true that you can drink less and desire alcohol less, and then in turn, make new choices. By becoming aware of your thoughts and shifting your perspective. I have discovered the five myths of quitting drinking the same thing that keeps us stuck that we keep doing again and again and again. And then the five shifts in your thinking that you will need to finally get the relief that you've been waiting for and that you deserve on your own. This process is available to you right now in a free On Demand training. And all you need to do is click the link in this description of this podcast episode or on my website. Mary Wagstaff coach.com